“Baby, life’s what you make it.

Celebrate it.

Anticipate it.

Yesterday’s faded.

Nothing can change it.

Life’s what you make it”

From “Life’s What You Make It” by Talk Talk.

I’ve been thinking a lot in recent weeks about stories and how they help us make sense of our place in time and space.

We use metaphors to describe life.  I most frequently think of it as a journey.  What if it is a story? 

Famous people often get asked, “Who would play you in the film of your life story?”  What a bizarre question to be asked of the rest of us.  My life feels a lot more uneventful than how I imagined it might have played out when I was a teenager.  No international stardom for me.  My life often seems hum-drum and run of the mill, but I love it too.  When I stop to think about it, I realise there are shed loads of things to be thankful for.

As I think about my own story, I realise how often I shun or avoid the word “Christian” in certain company.  It holds so many negative connotations.  It is loaded with baggage which would lead people to jump to a whole bunch of assumptions about me and my world view – many of which would be wrong.  Maybe it’s time to reclaim what being a follower of Jesus is?

Our church leadership are an amazing bunch of folks.  I’ve seen little glimpses of so much that is done behind the scenes in recent weeks.  I really wouldn’t want to be anywhere else on a Sunday morning.  Karl concluded a four part series this week and his message about the restoration of all things was so refreshing, so engaging and so inspiring.  Why have we so often made it about something it’s not?  Isn’t it time to start living for what we believe in?

I recently heard someone pray for “death to religion”.  That may sound shocking to some, but I knew what they meant and couldn’t agree more.  What if we started to get a fresh vision for what we’re meant to be making of our lives?  To realise that we can invest our time and energies in things of significance and still enjoy life to the full. 

If history is ultimately a story, then as today fades to yesterday that itself forms part of the story.  We have the ability to write ourselves in or out.  Life’s what we make it.  Our decisions have consequences and we’re not meant to figure it all out alone.

Sometimes we need to humble ourselves and abandon ourselves to something bigger than us.  Today it was hugely meaningful for me to get past the awkwardness factor and to actually go to the front of our church and have one of the leaders place oil on my head and to pray for anointing.  To pray for a realisation that I am who I am and that I don’t need to pretend to be someone else.  There’s something heartening to realise that people who know our lifestyles can pray specifically into them.  To pray about: the situations I feel I can coast through on my own strength; the meetings and presentations that I feel more apprehensive about; my words and conduct in the day to day goings on of the office and the wider circle of people my work brings me in contact with; my role and responsibilities at home and in family life; the time I’ll spend with friends surfing this week. 

There’s something refreshing about stopping, being still and refocusing on how we live our day to day lives. 

Baby, life’s what you make it.

“Hello friend, it’s been some time,
Since I’ve sat at your table and drank your wine.
Worldly lies, empty skies,
But only you can satisfy

Can I be somebody? Not what they want me to be?
Just a pale reflection of what you want me to be”.

From “Metamorphis” by Delirious?

Who would attend your ideal dinner party?  Who would provide interesting conversation as the aroma of strong coffee scented the room, as wine was drained to top up people’s glasses, as individuals dabbed their dampened fingers on their plates savouring every last crumb of food and as the wee small hours beckoned?  Whose stories would you want to gather in close around the table to hear unfold?  Whose pearls of wisdom would you relish to hear?  Whose jokes or stories would leave you laughing so hard that your sides ached as you gasped for breath and were left defenceless against as tears gathered in your moist eyes?

Eight of us gathered around our table one evening this week.  Feasting on a simple selection of nice breads, red wine and grape juice, great cheeses, light salad and meat.  There was something more than symbolic in the food we shared – the breaking of bread, the pouring of wine.  There was a recognition of provision, of daily bread.  Here was plenty with no need to be gluttonous.  There was a thankfulness not just for food, but for friendships which have developed, for community, for journeying together.  There was discussion of how the future might look and how we could encourage, affirm and support one another in that.  There was little that was superficial.  There was much that was real.

I got to thinking about all the other folks who come through our door, sit around our table or chat on the phone or via email or texts.  So many people whom I know life would be all the less rich for not knowing.  All the individuals who may look like their lives are attractive, who have loads to be thankful for, but whom all have their own battles to face:  hospitalised parents; broken family communication; a loss of confidence in the very institution they have committed their life’s study and work to; financial issues; miscarriages; prisons both metaphorically and physically; relationship issues; fear of facing an uncertain future alone; a realisation that life hasn’t played out the way they might have dreamed of when they were younger; struggles with sexuality; mental illness; sleep deprivation; pressure of employer expectation, to name but a few.

Life is complicated.  We’re not meant to face it alone.  I think we were made for relationship.  That doesn’t just mean boyfriends or girlfriends or life partners, but real and lasting friendships.  Accountability, encouragement, affirmation and mutual support.  I think it means community.  I think that for me church is not a place I go on Sundays (grateful as I am for that place and the leadership there) but the wider group I belong to – scattered throughout the country, facing different situations and periodically sat in one another’s company regaling tales, sharing food, listening intently and knowing we will walk back into our ordinary lives carrying those others with us in our hearts, minds and very spirits.

“When the only person talkin’ about love today is the preacher.

And he says, “Nobody gets you solid learning, but the teacher”.”.

From “Ball Of Confusion” by The Temptations (and superbly ripped apart and reconstructed with shards of feedback by Love And Rockets).

I’ve really been chewing over things these past few days.  At church we’ve been looking at the whole topic of leadership.  Each and every one of us finds ourselves in positions of leadership at various points in time.  Often we face a crisis of leadership in politics, in economics, in home life…How well do we lead ourselves?

Our texts in recent weeks have come from 2 Chronicles.  I’ve discovered how little I know of these stories or their context.  Spending time really reading these chapters and the scribbles I have jotted down in my note book has been hugely helpful.

It has made me see afresh how fortunate I am to have gifted teachers and leaders who can make these stories come to life and can reveal lessons that I can seek to apply to my everyday life.  It has made me appreciate the books, podcasts, sermons, DVDs, blogs and a whole host of resources that are available to me.  I see afresh how precious the time I can spend alone in my lunch-hour with a notepad and my bible – taking some time out, gaining perspective, breathing in – actually is.  I really look forward to that part of my day now – not something ritualistic, but a little oasis of sorts.

Sometimes I wonder if there is a danger of putting leaders on pedestals?  Is there a longing within congregations to seek positions of leadership?  To hog a little limelight?  I’m reminded of the words from James Ch 3:1, “Dear brothers and sisters, not many of you should become teachers in the church, for we who teach will be judged by God with greater strictness.”  That makes me all the more thankful for those whom God has anointed and who have been obedient to that.  It also makes me wonder why, if God will judge, there are so many people who fill church buildings who are so ready to offer vociferous and less than humble opinions of the leaders and teachers within their churches or leaders and teachers in other churches?

In a world that still seems like a “ball of confusion” 39 years after The Temptations had a hit single by that name, the lyrics at the top of this post still ring true.  Why are we so slow to listen?  Why are we so slow to learn? 

There are so many “thank yous” owed.

“Holiday.

Celebrate.”

From “Holiday” by Madonna.

We’re counting how many sleeps till our second pilgrimage to Cornwall within the space of nine months.

The above photo bears some resemblance to what our family portrait might look like if we overindulge in clotted cream scones, Cornish pasties and Sharp’s Doom Bar.  Thank goodness for high metabolism and the knowledge that a wetsuit isn’t too flattering.  All things in moderation.

Here’s to sunny day-trips and surf being up.

Also looking forward to going to church here:-

“Let’s take them apart, all of these old beliefs and go back to the plans.

Burn them down to be rebuilt to house the lonely and the damned.

Bad architecture will never last”.  

From “Bad Architecture” by calamateur.

I love the above song.  I love the lyrics, the picture language and the truth it conveys.

A structure can either be a vehicle or an obstacle.  We often say we love change, but settle for the comfort of what we know.  As a church community we are looking at restructuring things.  The current model works, but is it more than symbolic that we’ve outgrown our existing building and leased another building which has recently been sold which will leave us forced to look at relocating again?  We will be having to look afresh at buildings and structures physically and metaphorically. 

Existing properties can be functional, but outdated.  Better solutions can be found to the changing needs of those frequenting a building.  New ideas can transform things and a new design can make a positive impact upon its environment.  Good architecture can become something that attracts and is talked about positively.  It can become something cherished. 

I think it is proper to recognise the history of a church building and generations of community with thankfulness.  But, a vision received over 100 years ago may not be the same as the vision for the here and now or for the next 1, 10, 50 or 100 years.

It is exciting, but unsettling.  Are we willing to demolish something we love and have a vested interest in in order to bring new life?  As we move from a structure focused around small groups of people doing life together to forming groups centred around people with a common passion (known as Missional Expressions) what will the church gathered and scattered look like even twelve months from now?  What legacy will our actions now make for future generations? 

P.S Calamateur will be playing in Edinburgh for the first time in 3 years at The Lot, Grassmarket, Edinburgh on Easter Monday.  Tickets £5 on the door from 7.30.  It is guaranteed to be fantastic.

“Here’s the church,

and here’s the steeple.

Open the doors

and see all the people.”

From “Here’s The Church” nursery rhyme probably recited by anyone growing up in the 1970’s.

It’s funny the things that stick with you from childhood.  I think the suggestion in the rhyme above is that as you open the church doors you will see the people inside.  Conversely, most church buildings are far from full on a Sunday.

This little rhyme actually contains some untruth.  The church is not the building.  Church is the people who associate themselves with it and commit to its vision.

Whilst I don’t believe churches should be ranked or graded on the number of people attending, the congregation I belong to have outgrown our building and, at present, we hire a larger building to host two of our Sunday services.  The building we hire is just down the road from our own building and in the same neighbourhood.  It doesn’t have a baptistry, so whenever we host a baptismal service we have to hire yet another congregation’s building.  This other building is on a main arterial route in the heart of a commercial part of the city.  Every time I leave that building, I can’t help but be hit by the contrast outside and in.  The power of what happens in those services seems completely lost amidst the hustle and bustle of life outside. 

As the rhyme goes, “Open the doors and see all the people”.

Maybe more of our focus needs to be directed toward the people outside?

“Must I paint you a picture

About the way that I feel?

You know my love for you is stronger.

You know my love for you is real.”

From “Must I Paint You A Picture?” by Billy Bragg.

This forms the second part of  two halves.  The previous post can be linked here.  It explains an exercise we did when half of those gathered at a meeting a few weeks ago were asked to face a wall, unaware of who would then stand behind them and to ask God to reveal a picture, verse or impression that they should share with the person behind them.

I was stood behind someone I’ve never met before, but whom I know is held in high regard by many in our congregation.  He said that he felt he had seen a picture of a fruit tree -  a peach tree –  and that the fruit was really ripe.  What does it mean?  I think I know what it relates to, but I’m not sure what the interpretation is.

I guess I’d been thinking ahead of the meeting about how my life looks in terms of how I spend my time.  It is largely taken up by work, family and church commitments.  Despite the pressure of work deadlines, I am trying to find time for the things of God in all of that – whether it’s to work with all my best efforts, to influence the office culture or environment or to catch up socially with people I ought to.  I sometimes I wonder how much of a witness I am at work as I often just have my head down trying to maintain focus and get things done…Right now things are very demanding and many evenings are spent back in the office (after I’ve made it home to have meal with my family and be their for my daughter’s bath time) with me eventually making it home only to collapse into bed.  It’s not always like that, but right now is one of those periods.

Family life is great and there’s loads to be thankful for, but, it still demands (rightly) a huge amount of my time and energy.

Church life is also busy with organising, preparing for and facilitating a weekly small group, preparing and leading the music parts of our evening services once a month, helping drum at a friend’s church service once a month and assisting us find a property solution to our growing congregation.

Maybe the picture means that as I grow older, I am growing into the person I am meant to be?  Maybe the fruits of the spirit are more evident in my life than they once were? (that sounds pious and unlikely as I know I still have a long way to go)  Maybe, as I use these different skills I have been gifted with, it is pleasing to God?

Maybe the picture means that the fruit is ripe and is to be enjoyed by others – the benefactors of my efforts?

Maybe the fruit is ripe and ready to fall?  Maybe I have grown to fullness in some of these areas of life and it is time to hand those things over before the fruit gets over-ripe and rots?  Maybe the tree was overladen?  My gut instinct is that it is this latter interpretation that is more accurate of how life actually is right now.

We then went to pray in groups of three.  As we shared something for prayer, we were encouraged to wait in silence for a minute or two – again asking God to reveal whether there was anything He wanted us to share – a picture, a scripture, an impression, etc and then to share that with the person being prayed for, to see if it resonated and then to pray into that. 

When asked what people could pray for for me, I shared something of the above (not the picture – just the question about whether I am doing all that I ought to be or whether I should do less and do it better?).  One of the guys praying said that after the moment or two of silence he just sensed the word “blessing” and that is what I was to others.  He talked particularly of my role in leading music at church (which was an encouragement as I’d been a bit frustrated and discouraged by the previous Sunday night’s service). 

My wife was also in the group and she thought she saw a picture of a jigsaw which had a picture of the sea on it.  The corner piece was missing to complete the picture and there were a few final pieces piled on top of the bigger picture, so she couldn’t see exactly what the picture was…

One of the most helpful things I have done in my Christian life of late was a thing called the Network Course.  It helps explore, establish and affirm natural abilities and spiritual gifts,  From it I learned that my gifts are creative communication, faith and encouragement.  At the time I was leading worship once a month and that seemed like a natural outlet for these things.  I used to try and tell stories or set the scene or use DVD clips to help communicate and encourage us all into God’s presence.  As church has grown, I seem to spend less time doing those things as others try to cram loads of announcements, testimonies, DVD clips, etc into the space we have.  I spend more time just getting lost in my drumming and I concentrate on doing that as well as I can.  I found myself leading worship when our church was a very different place to what it is now.  We were really short of gifted musicians back then and short of folks who wanted to see something more contemporary happen musically.  I stepped into  a gap, explored it, felt anointed and forgiven when I made mistakes.  I wonder if that was a role for a season and whether there are others who could more naturally organise and lead that whilst I revert to just getting stuck back into my drumming?  Is that what this is all about? 

Maybe my blog is a good means of communicating creatively for someone as softly spoken as me?  Maybe hosting our small group and helping facilitate something like the art project linked here is more fitting just now?

Would that give me more time to feed my soul in other ways?  As an individual and as a family we love being near water.  Would that give me the time to spend with my family on the beach or by the sea?  To enjoy the view?  To walk and shoot the breeze?  The sea is a powerful image for me due to my love of padlling about and falling off my surfboard and also because of a recurring dream I had when I was going through a particularly difficult period about 10 years ago.  There is something about the vastness of the sea that enables me to see how big and awesome God is and how small I am.  Why is that picture incomplete?

What does it all mean???

“Oh, life is bigger.
It’s bigger than you.
And you are not me.
The lengths that I will go to.
The distance in your eyes.
Oh no, I’ve said too much.
I set it up.”

From “Losing My Religion” by R.E.M.

As The Bank Of England Monetary Committee go as far as to say the UK is now in a “deep recession”, we all seem to be tired of bad news.  Life is big and often I feel so small.  I think we are all hungry for good news.

Whilst the photo above may be a bit blurred – the notes I scribbled in my pad last Sunday at church merely amounted to “Save us from religious observation.”  That’s really what I feel just now.  If I can’t imagine life without the hope my faith brings me, how come I feel inclined to keep it to myself so much?  As the old H-Street skateboard video was so brilliantly entitled – “Shackle Me Not!”

“Well, you’re sleeping in that southern state where the bars are filled with people you can’t hate.
But try as you try and you still can’t relate to them.
You drink that whiskey down as they ask you
Are you who you say you are?
The fact that we can’t tell makes us like you even more.”

From “Southern State” by Bright Eyes.

I remember that we had Religious Education on my first day at secondary school.  We were tasked with writing a short essay on the question, “Who Am I?”  I remember thinking it was an odd question, but I wrote down some thoughts about identity and self expression.  I loved doodling and the drawing which accompanied it was probably more telling of my worldview back then.  I recall it involving lots of people walking around - punks, casuals, trendies or old folks all with think bubbles asking “Who Am I?”  I guess that I linked identity largely with image or classification back then.

I remember being appalled when I read some literature accompanying an application form for graduate recruitment back in my student days which suggested that one could express their individuality through choice of silk tie, belt buckle and cuff-links.  I wanted to stand out more than I wanted to fit in.  From the photo above, maybe I’ve become that person…I do love the cuff-links my wife bought me for Christmas though…

Yet, if we are honest with ourselves, that question “Who Am I?” causes us all so many problems. 

After hearing of my friend, Craig B’s, answer in an interview in the Herald, I put the following question to the little small group collective who meet in our home: – “What five adjectives would you use to describe yourself?”

What would you say?

I came up with:

1) Father – I guess I see this as one of the most important and precious roles and tasks I have.  Maybe a better adjective would have been “parent” as I couldn’t imagine this role without the love and support and shared vision of my wife…Funny to think there was a time when the thought of being a Dad would scare me beyond belief…

2)  Gentle – I am gentle by nature and gently spoken.  Sometimes I think I’m perceived as weak in this way, as I find it hard to project my voice in certain environments or to engage and I have always been tall and thin.  I guess I’m just not “laddish” or “bloke-ish” particularly.

3)  Surveyor – whilst this is my job description, I don’t really define myself by this nor by my position in the firm I belong to.  Yet, I spend so much of my waking life (day time and many evenings) devoted to my work.  As I get older sometimes I wonder if I should be more engaged with this in trying to influence those around me?  I do try that in my own way – but I still sometimes wonder if I should admit that baldness is under everybodies’ hair, shave my head and try to fit into the corporate mold to a greater extent.  Again that just boils down to image, but it does affect how we think about ourselves…  I hope I am still growing into the person I am meant to be. 

4) Indie – I guess I have always been drawn to things that are counter-cultural.  Music, faith, films, etc.  Skateboarding changed my life and all the things that came from that culture – when combined with a free-thinking mind and a faith that is more real to me than anything - have made me into who I am today – contradictions, warts and all.  Yes, I know I should have put “interdependent” down as an adjective to demonstrate that I understand the need for church community, but, truth be told, I still love “indie”…Indie, indie, indie…

5) Anchored – I guess, I feel pretty secure in life most of the time.  I know where my hope comes from.  That’s not to say that I don’t get stressed or low, but above and beyond that I know God is God.

On reflection, I didn’t come up with a bunch of words that I once would have used.  Do certain words have meaning for a certain season and then develop us for something else?

My friend’s answers in the Herald were:

1)  Grumpy

2)  Grumpy

3) Grumpy

4) Grumpy

5) Ginger

I’d probably have given him the benefit of the doubt and supplemented one of them with “Genius!”

“Sometimes I’m right and I can be wrong.
My own beliefs are in my song.
The butcher, the banker, the drummer and then
Makes no difference what group I’m in.
I am everyday people, yeah yeah”

From “Everyday People” by Sly and The Family Stone.

 Things I have loved about this weekend:

a)  My sister in law and her boyfriend have been staying with us.  They are family and it really feels like that to me.  I really enjoy their company.  Conversation is meaningful, inquisitive and real.  Our daughter gets really excited about seeing them (so much so she woke up at 1am on Friday night/Saturday morning asking if she could go upstairs and wake our guests up by tickling their toes)

b)  The five of us went out for dinner last night.  Good conversation, great food and a nice atmosphere make for a near pefect evening.

c)  Someone from the small group who meet weekly in our home comes round for breakfast on Sunday mornings.  I love that routine.  It means we are organised and not hassled.  She arrived this morning and made herself right at home with our visitors.  It felt like our extended families were all integrating.

d)  I remember driving to church some years ago and listening to a song by Delirious? that had the lyrics, “We’re going to the house of God.  We’re going to the house of God.  We’re going to the house of God.  Are you coming?  You couldn’t keep me away”.  I longed to feel that way, because my own experience at that time was a million miles removed from that.  Now, you really couldn’t keep me away…I don’t feel the slightest bit bummed that I missed a rare day’s decent snowboarding at Glenshee.

e)  Church was great.  It was an all inclusive service.  We thought about what it means to bring good news to folks around us.  I see weekly our daughter making steps forward in her discovery of faith.  I am learning what it is to have a childlike faith myself.  I am increasingly actually wanting friends and family to find what it is that our faith is really about.  Church on Sundays facilitates that to an extent and I wouldn’t feel atall awkward about inviting friends there, because I know they would be welcomed and have their misconceptions or preconceptions challenged.  Our motto is: relevant, intimate, passionate.  I think that’s what we are increasingly becoming.  A group of everyday people trying to live out our faith in our everyday lives.

f)  I love the fact that we have such a good friendship with our next-door neighbours.  I love the evenings we spend from time to time in one anothers’ houses over food and wine, chatting and laughing well into the wee hours of the morning.  I love the fact that some of the small group who meet in our home weekly are getting to know them too.  I love that they are forever reconstructing camper vans and mountain bikes in our shared driveway.  It makes our home seem cooler somehow.

g) I love it that someone from our small group joined us for lunch today too.  It’s great that our conversation so naturally turns to the things that we really consider important.  There is a natural transparency to conversation that is completely opposite from a guilt led sense of duty to share the gospel.  Hopefully, others just see something of the love we have for one another and the direction and drive our faith gives us.  Hopefully that is good news.

h)  I love the fact that I’m typing this drinking green tea from my favourite Spiderman mug watching a fresh blanket of snow envelop our back garden by the glow of our security light.

i)  Whilst we often use buzzwords like “community”, I love the fact that church really feels like that to me.  I cherish each individual who makes up our small group.  I eagerly await the time we spend together.  I love the friends I have there and the real sense of belonging and the vision for the future.  I love the regular texts, blog posts and emails and calls that mean church community is an everyday thing and not just contained to sundays.  I am excited as our little group begins to explore some fairly ambitious dreams for what we might do in six weeks time as we abandon small group gatherings and actually try to “do something” to bring joy to the world and proclaim good news.  Watch this space…

j) I actually love the fact that music can be a really helpful vehicle in church.  I am losing my inhibitions and have found myself abandoned – letting go of situations I wish I could control…my friend who has had several (thankfully failed) suicide attempts in recent weeks…a family member from whom I am hugely burdened for and feel spent on.

I feel it is important to write all this stuff, because most of these feelings came undone tonight as our daughter has been playing up hugely.  What should have been an evening of relaxation, before the frenetic activity and work pressure of the week ahead, has been overshadowed with coaxing, praying, shouting and trying not to swear as my blood begins to boil and I lose patience…How can someone whom I love more than life conjure up such huge emotions that bear no relation to how I feel for her?  Man, it’s tough being a parent at times. 

Now, I’m off to bed – tired, knowing we’ll have a difficult morning with a knackered and non-compliant four year old as we all try to get out of the house in enough time to make our journeys to work and to arrange nursery drop offs and pick ups on the snowy streets of this city we call home…

I am reminded of Philippians 4:4, “Rejoice in the Lord always.  I will say it again: Rejoice!”  Before I started battering away at the keyboard 15 minutes ago, I felt far from rejoicing.  It’s not about sticking my head in the sand or pretending to feel differently to how I do.  It’s just about perspective and counting my blessings.

My daughter has eventually fallen asleep (three hours after she should have done).  I hope we all sleep well.  I hope we extend grace to eachother tomorrow morning.

Peace.