Where’s Your Head At?

“Where’s your head at?
(Where your head at? Where your head at? at? at? at? at? at? at?)
Where’s your head at?
(Where your head at? Where your head at? at? at? at?)”

From “Where’s Your Head At?” by Basement Jaxx.

Sometimes my head just feels full.  My mind feels like it’s working overtime – trying to prioritise my to-do list at work, trying to figure out how to resource that and deliver timeously, trying to suss out how to juggle the demands of work and family life, day-dreaming of how life will look next May when our second child arrives, trying to keep patient when things aren’t going as I plan, longing for a little oasis in the day or an alcove I can retreat into, wondering how life really is with some of my close friends behind the smiles and the surface conversation, trying to discern whether half the ideas in my head are all of my own creating or whether they are inspired by something altogether bigger…

Sometimes I just need to stop. 

To download.

Then at other times I wonder if this process just makes space for me to come with a blank sheet.  Not to ask God to bless my plans, but to ask Him to reveal His.

But, if He knows every word before it is on my lips, does He also know the words I scribble down too?  Are the words some form of ghost writing?  Could they be Holy Ghost writing?

There Was A Time.

“There was a time said the traveller as he looked back,

looked back from whence he came.

There was a time said the traveller as he set out.

Set forward once again.

But in the distance came a whisper,

A voice that thrilled his soul.

“Don’t you look back you weary traveller,

for tomorrow, tomorrow, you will be whole”.

Rose coloured past why do you bait me?

Beckoning, calling my name, oh, still small voice of calm”.

From “There Was A Time” by Eden Burning.

Sometimes someone comes into our lives who will forever change things.  Someone we will always think of fondly and with gladness of heart.

In April 1992 we met a band called Eden Burning at Spring Harvest.  We developed friendships and after getting a chance to do the support slot at one of their gigs in Aberdeen, the band I was playing in – Missing Jane – were invited as support band on about half of their “Vinegar & Brown Paper” tour later that year. 

I have such great memories of those days and nights.  Living the life we loved and dreamed of.  Losing ourselves in music and trying to connect with the audience with lyrics which spoke of the worldview and ideas that Eden Burning and Missing Jane traded and shared.

14 years since we saw any of Eden Burning, it was a joy to spend an hour or two with Paul Northup and his family a couple of weekends ago.  Our clans filled his home and we shared tales of what the intervening years had brought into our respective lives and reminisced of days gone by.

I was strangely warmed to observe how life has panned out - to internalise with thankfulness that we have all grown into people I think the younger versions of ourselves would have taken pleasure in.  A quick glance of the bookshelves and art work coupled with discussions of faith, creativity, social justice and Howies clothing told its own tale. 

Those were moments of grace, just to sip mugs of tea and watch the kids playing together.  Oh for many more days and hours like those…

This Is The Sea

“These things you keep
You’d better throw them away.
You wanna turn your back
On your soulless days.
Once you were tethered
And now you are free.
Once you were tethered.
Well, now you are free.
That was the river.
This is the sea!”

From “This Is The Sea” by The Waterboys.

I’ve written about the concept of “missional expressions” on my blog before. 

It is the direction our church community is moving in.  Groups of folks clustered around a post-code, people group or shared interest and trying  naturally to be distinct – to bring flavour, to preserve that which is good, to shine a little light in the darkness.  To be outward looking rather than insular.

The leadership asked us to float ideas and the first eleven or so are about to be rolled out and tested between now and February.  So here’s what I’m looking at being a catalyst for:

“Soul Surfers –  An opportunity for Christians who surf (or who would like to learn how to) to arrange to do so together.  We will look outwards, intentionally building natural friendships in the surf community and inviting non-Christian friends to join us. We will encourage and support each other, “doing life together”.  We’ll spend time getting to know each other, including our non-churched friends, to live our lives as open books and to build familiarity with those we come in contact with”.

Want to join me in sussing out if there is any mileage in this? 

Gotta Serve Somebody

“You may be a preacher with your spiritual pride.
You may be a city councilman taking bribes on the side.
You may be working in a barbershop, you may know how to cut hair.
You may be somebody’s mistress, may be somebody’s heir.

But you’re gonna have to serve somebody, yes
You’re gonna have to serve somebody.
Well, it may be the devil or it may be the Lord
But you’re gonna have to serve somebody”.

From “Gotta Serve Somebody” by Bob Dylan.

My bro’, Keith, used this video clip recently.  It’s old-skool, but it’s so true.

I Came To Believe.

“And I came to believe in a power much higher than I.
I came to believe that I needed help to get by.
In childlike faith I gave in and gave Him a try.
And I came to believe in a power much higher than I”.

From “I Came To Believe” by Johnny Cash.

I’ve been musing upon why I find it hard to share my faith.  What is my story when I distill it down beyond places and people and specific periods of time?

I think it actually involves realising that just like most people I wanted to believe that my life counted.  I wanted to harness my potential.  I wanted to believe that I could change things and make a difference.  I wanted to believe that there was more to life than getting a decent job, a nice car, a house in the right postcode and 2.4 children.  I wanted to believe that I didn’t have to conform to some conveyor belt mentality or appearance.  I wanted to think for myself.

That said, life seemed really big.  I was daunted by it.  I was fearful of the consequences of my decisions and the ramifications they might have on how life unfolded.  I lacked confidence and I worried about these things.

I met Christians who seemed to have something in their lives that I didn’t.  It was authentic and attractive.  It permeated every part of their everyday lives.  It was something I wanted more of in my own life.  As I watched and observed them, I found myself spending more time with them and reading the Bible and trying to grapple with what I believed it really had to say.  I committed myself to Christ and His teachings.

It’s not that life is always easy now or that I always make the right decisions, but I do feel anchored.  I have deep peace amidst the storms of life and all of the constant juggling.  I find a purpose in the big and small things of everyday life.  I have a sense of guidance and direction.  I see a bigger picture than just my immediate circumstances.  I feel enormously thankful for the way many of the big questions I had in terms of life decisions have panned out.  I have security and hope.  I have a real sense of not being alone.  I feel that I am growing into the person I was always meant to be.

I’m still learning, still questioning, still wrestling, but I think that’s what keeps faith alive.  I’m trying to see how to apply it and I am aware of my own short-comings.  It’s not been a bunch of rules or traditions that have hindered or shackled me, but something that has freed me.  Sure, I have plenty of off days, but I wouldn’t trade what I have now for anything in the world.

Folding Stars

“Take a long, hard, look at yourself.

How did you end up here?”

From “Folding Stars” by Biffy Clyro.

I’ve been thinking about my life journey of late and a few simple words have come into focus.

There have been so many times when, if I’m brutally honest with myself, I’ve been pretty self-centred.  My drivers in life where all about me.  What should I study?  Where would I end up?  How could I find fulfillment?  Who would I go out with and how would that gratify me?  How could I enjoy the lifestyle I dreamed for myself?

Even my prayer life was often centred around these sorts of questions.  I could dress that up as seeking “guidance” or “God’s will for my life”.  Such descriptions were true, but my over-arching motivation was more about how God might help me with those things and bless me with the outcomes, rather than how might I be changed or more able to be used for Him in and through all of those things?

The times that I get hassled or grumpy are invariably because my plans need to be altered or things aren’t going my way or I’m doing one thing when I’d rather be doing something else.  The most menial things can set off discontent in my mind.  I have to consciously step in and over-write that selfishness.

So the first word is “selfish”.  It’s not an adjective I’d like to attribute to myself, but one, which in the cold light of day, I need to regularly confront.  If that is true, then all it means is that, like all of us, I can be self-centred.  I can put me, myself and I in the middle of everything. 

In old school language someone once said “sin has “I” at the middle”.  That’s what it boils down to, even if that’s not the vocabulary I find easy to use.  Mind you, anything less than that and I am kidding myself.  “He who claims he is without sin…” anyone?  So, the second word is “sin”.

So what do I do with that?  I could feel lousy or label myself, but I reckon that’s totally opposite to what God would want.  What can I learn?  How can I orientate myself?

That leads me to another word – “submission”.  Now that’s a word loaded with negative connotations in our post-modern, life after God, world.  Most notably we hear people saying that the bible says that “wives should submit to their husbands”.  Verses like that get twisted and abused.  Actually, in my reading of it it also says that husbands should love their wives as Christ loved the church.  That means sacrifice of the highest order.   So actually, I refocus my attention away from “selfishness” or “sin” and onto “submission” and “sacrifice”.

That all sounds terribly “woe is me”.  It’s not.  Sometimes I just need to stop, look beyond myself and what God/the church/others can do for me and ask “what I can do for them?”  Through that I reckon I might just meet some new folks, experience some new situations, learn some new things, gain a little wisdom and grow more into the person I was always meant to be.

Life’s What You Make It

“Baby, life’s what you make it.

Celebrate it.

Anticipate it.

Yesterday’s faded.

Nothing can change it.

Life’s what you make it”

From “Life’s What You Make It” by Talk Talk.

I’ve been thinking a lot in recent weeks about stories and how they help us make sense of our place in time and space.

We use metaphors to describe life.  I most frequently think of it as a journey.  What if it is a story? 

Famous people often get asked, “Who would play you in the film of your life story?”  What a bizarre question to be asked of the rest of us.  My life feels a lot more uneventful than how I imagined it might have played out when I was a teenager.  No international stardom for me.  My life often seems hum-drum and run of the mill, but I love it too.  When I stop to think about it, I realise there are shed loads of things to be thankful for.

As I think about my own story, I realise how often I shun or avoid the word “Christian” in certain company.  It holds so many negative connotations.  It is loaded with baggage which would lead people to jump to a whole bunch of assumptions about me and my world view – many of which would be wrong.  Maybe it’s time to reclaim what being a follower of Jesus is?

Our church leadership are an amazing bunch of folks.  I’ve seen little glimpses of so much that is done behind the scenes in recent weeks.  I really wouldn’t want to be anywhere else on a Sunday morning.  Karl concluded a four part series this week and his message about the restoration of all things was so refreshing, so engaging and so inspiring.  Why have we so often made it about something it’s not?  Isn’t it time to start living for what we believe in?

I recently heard someone pray for “death to religion”.  That may sound shocking to some, but I knew what they meant and couldn’t agree more.  What if we started to get a fresh vision for what we’re meant to be making of our lives?  To realise that we can invest our time and energies in things of significance and still enjoy life to the full. 

If history is ultimately a story, then as today fades to yesterday that itself forms part of the story.  We have the ability to write ourselves in or out.  Life’s what we make it.  Our decisions have consequences and we’re not meant to figure it all out alone.

Sometimes we need to humble ourselves and abandon ourselves to something bigger than us.  Today it was hugely meaningful for me to get past the awkwardness factor and to actually go to the front of our church and have one of the leaders place oil on my head and to pray for anointing.  To pray for a realisation that I am who I am and that I don’t need to pretend to be someone else.  There’s something heartening to realise that people who know our lifestyles can pray specifically into them.  To pray about: the situations I feel I can coast through on my own strength; the meetings and presentations that I feel more apprehensive about; my words and conduct in the day to day goings on of the office and the wider circle of people my work brings me in contact with; my role and responsibilities at home and in family life; the time I’ll spend with friends surfing this week. 

There’s something refreshing about stopping, being still and refocusing on how we live our day to day lives. 

Baby, life’s what you make it.

Common People.

“I took her to the supermarket.

I don’t know why, but I had to start it somewhere”.

From “Common People” by Pulp.

I read this story of religious belief, hoodies, Jedi-knights and Tesco over the weekend.  Intrigued?  Click here.

Testimony.

“I know what you’re gonna say when things don’t go my way.

You say “I don’t fault your faith.  I still think that it’s true”.

I know what you’re gonna do when faced with people like me.

You say “I don’t know what you want, but this is not what you need”.

And I want to know, I want to know.

Why everybody looks to the past to be their testimony?

When all that I can recall is I was bored and lonely.

Tell me what’s wrong with today?  Tell me what’s right about tomorrow?

And I can’t believe you when I know that you’re wrong.

Why can’t you wake up and see that we are not who we claimed we could be?

I know what you believe, but, you’re not the same as me,

 so don’t push me around and tell me the same old story.

When everybody looks to the past to be their testimony.

When all that I can recall is was I was bored and lonely.

Tell me what’s wrong with today?  Tell me what’s right about tomorrow?

From “Testimony” by calamateur.

 

We all love stories.  We identify with characters, root for the under-dog, look to the hero, get sucked into the story and anticipate the way it will play itself out.

What’s your story?  What’s mine – and how much of it would I willingly tell you if you asked me that question?

We have this tradition in Christian circles where people give their “testimony”.  I recall as a teenager that it was almost something that was expected in youth group circles.  It’s not something I’ve done in that sort of public speaking format since I was about 17.  There is something great about hearing people’s stories, but that sort of set-up isn’t the kind of thing that would ever naturally pop into my typical conversation. 

A couple of years ago myself and three other thirty-somethings decided to all write down our “testimonies” and email them to eachother.  It was interesting to realise that we’d all lost a bunch of dreams that we had held at 17.  Life looked very different now and involved a whole load of responsibilities that would have scared the living daylights out of our teenaged selves.  And yet, these were the places and situations we all found ourselves in.  It wasn’t a case that we had arrived, but that we were still journeying, still trying to make sense of things and figure stuff out.  Still trying to model Christ and make wise decisions whilst also living with the consequences of decisions we’d already made.

The older we get, the more stories we have and the harder I find it to draw out what the real life affirming or defining moments are.  They are numerous and they still occur fairly regularly.

It’s been good to chat with the little small group of folks who inhabit our home weekly about all our hang ups with “evangelism” and all our negative experiences of it.  So many of us have been fed a guilt trip about “making the most of every opportunity” and being so scared of seeming weird or thinking we need to have a different personality or a PhD in theology and apologetics to actually share our faith with someone.  As a result we stay silent all too often.

We’ve been chatting around some DVDs called “Just Walk Across The Room” and it’s been quite liberating to realise all we’re really meant to do is live our lives in a transparent way, to be real, to form genuine friendships with no ulterior motives – to preach the gospel and only when necessary to use words.

That said, I’m trying to figure out what my story actually IS?  How do I explain it in my own words, with brevity and clarity so that I always have an answer for the hope I have within?

The Bells

“Dad, I broke my promise to you,
if you’re wondering where I’ve been.
I thought I knew what I was doing,
But I was wrong again.
I understand, Son.
I understand, Son.
I understand”.

From “The Bells” by Pedro The Lion.

My good friend, Andrew, from calamateur tweeted about this refreshingly insightful and honest interview with the wonderful David Bazan that appeared recently in Paste magazine. 

It’s rare for an artist to wrestle so publicly with his inconsistencies, doubts and hopes.  It’s rarer still for a journalist to keep pressing the nub of an issue which has inspired their art when the issue at heart is so personal and not one that shifts magazine sales by and large…go read this link.